At a ribbon cutting today on Chicago’s West Side, Mayor Brandon Johnson announced that his People’s Plan will now include the nation’s first crime-related loyalty program called Rap Sheet Rewards.

“Today, I’m announcing that all residents of Chicago 11 years or older, who have at least one arrest will be receiving a loyalty card in the mail that will be good for up to 10 free crimes a year. I like to call them, Rap Sheet Rewards, y’all.” The mayor continued, “This isn’t going to be some fancy card with a chip and an app… we can’t afford that with my teachers’ contract and all… we’re going old school with a simple, raggedy punch card.”

While the mayor did not provide much detail on how Rap Sheet Rewards is likely to work, City Hall has hinted that every crime will have a set number of punches, much like a sub sandwich or cup of coffee would garner at a local cafe or restaurant. For example, a simple battery or garage burglary would only be good for one or two punches while a shooting could be worth five and a homicide would be worth the entire card or 10 punches.

It is also not clear what a full card would grant the holder. However, it's possible to be a form of amnesty from arrest and conviction for “punched” crimes or possibly lesser “rewards” such as the ability to “get busy in a Burger King bathroom” as Mayor Johnson suggested.

“For far too long, we have seen disinvestment in our community. Our top priority is to mobilize full spectrum stakeholders to tackle community issues with the addition of Rap Sheet Rewards”, the mayor said while appearing to roll a marijuana cigarette. He wrapped up his comments on the new loyalty program stating, “This top-down, yet bottom-up limp to the side like your leg was broken, shakin' and twitchin' kinda like you was smokin' approach will allow those who’ve made a silly decision or two to now have the ability to commit crime without the burden of the 27-tiered justice system."

Who comes up with this crap? If you think "crime is down" now, just wait until that mass shooting gets a few punches and never officially appears on the city's stat sheet.

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